Today Jasper & I are flying to Kupreanof Island!! This is my fav part of visiting Alaska for the winter & it makes me so happy that I get to share this experience with him. I'm pretty tired, mostly of seeing the inside of airports, but I think all the excitement is overshadowing my plane anxieties & the pure exhaustion hitting me. We just finished our last breakfast in Anchorage at Snow City, one of my fav cafes in the whole damn state. They actually have sum really good vegan options too which was nice! Now we're currently waiting for boarding at the airport while I write this & try to finish my iced latte. Oddly... part of me already misses Anchorage & we're technically still here! Such a strange sensation. It was really nice to see Aunt Nina & Uncle Devaj, even if some people were trying to ruin the mood. I didn't want to let that happen but I think all in all it was a good time. Of course everyone absolutely LOVED Jasper, not that I'm surprised. It feels good knowing my family understands y I love this man. Not that anyone's opinion could ever change how much I love him... it's reassuring that everyone else can see what I see too. That made me happier than any gift ever could. I'm mostly relieved that nothing too bad happened either. I know that no matter what, if I'm with him, he'll do everything in his power to protect me but the leftover anxiety never really goes anywhere. All the distractions made that a lot easier to deal with. Having so much to do, so many places to go & things to see, that helped tremendously. Feeling very grateful 2day for all my blessings & the love I have received.


Slow day but we made it! I cried like a fucking baby when I got to hug Baba & Deda. God, it feels like a lifetime since I last saw them & it's like they haven't changed a bit. Baba can't stop commenting on how different & as she so eloquently put it "full of glowing life," I am. It's nice to see them smiling so much.. it's even better knowing Baba doesn't have to worry about me so much anymore tho I doubt that will ever change. Baba immediately busted out the uzvar for me, of course. Today Jasper shot a rifle for the first time too! Deda & I took him out n taught him all the basics, made sure he felt comfortable handling guns & had sum fun target practice. Didn't realize how much I missed shooting! Shockingly wasn't as rusty as I was expecting to b either. It was nice to see those two bonding as well, Deda was very happy that Jasper asked to be taught how to shoot (IN Russian too!!!) which was fucking adorable. My two fav guys getting along, truly the highlight of the whole day to me. Also, all the food!! Fucking delicious. Ugh. I missed traditional Ukrainian Xmas foods sfm.

note 2 self: idea for new song - dragon slaying + deep, heavy space(ish? spacy? ambient... sort of) beats. Poss. little to no lyrics, mostly vocalising. Ask Vik 4 help with visualizer and/or if he knows anyone willing to help???


Helped Baba cook so much food today. I had to explain many times that Jasper is vegan so he wasn't being rude or trying to disrespect her by not eating a bit of everything. She felt very embarrassed once she understood but it was a sweet moment regardless. As assumed, I thought her eyes were going to fly out of her head watching Jasper cook himself dinner! It was adorable tho, she kept asking him so many questions while that poor man just kept looking at me to save him. Deda, of course, had to grill him about the whole hunting for survival thing. Ugh. So embarrassing. I know Jasper didn't mind but sometimes Deda comes off a bit more stern than I think he means to. Other than that... we did lots of exploring out in nature today, which was fucking stupid beautiful & amazing. I'm going to try & remember to stick a few pics here from that since Vik lended me his film camera for the weekend! Jasper saw his first baby seal today too!! I'm sure this was a big highlight for him besides seeing casual moose wandering the streets in Anchorage. It was beyond heartwarming to see how happy it made him. The seals were adorable too, of course! There weren't too many babies but we did spot one which was exciting! Dinner was delicious as well. It's been way too long since I've had Baba's cooking, though I think not having it all the time helps me cherish the times I do. Nothing compares. So fucking good. Tho I will say, I was hoping the "ur too thin/so skinny/u need to eat more" comments weren't going to come about. Ah well, I can't be upset really, body dysmorphia be damned. I know she's doing that because she cares about me. How it makes me feel is my problem, not hers. Anywayz, yeah. I think I'm going to read a little bit, maybe do some drawing & go cuddle my man now. A good ending to a pretty good day.



Couldn't sleep at all last night. Mostly stayed up thinking, reflecting I guess. I miss my mom a lot... more than usual lately. Going back 2 the house prob didn't help much there. I have dreams of walking into that house & seeing mom dead more often than I dream about anything else. Seeing it in person again just... made me feel a lot of things I haven't felt in a long time. I do think it was important to go back tho, so I'm glad we did that even if I'm sort of paying for it now. Today has been very chill otherwise. Jasper & I played outside in the snow w the girls a lot, they seemed to rly have tons of fun which helped distract me from all the nonsense in my head. My heart already hurts knowing that when I go to sleep, we'll be leaving once I wake up. I've already cried about it but I know it's inevitably going to happen again once we do leave. It's the hardest part, every time. Even with the knowledge that it won't be as long until I see them again, these past few days have flown by so quickly that it feels like we were just leaving Anchorage yesterday. I'm going to miss them so much. I am excited to go home in a way, see all my friends & have sum NYE fun with them but right now? I'm trying my best to soak in as much as I can for the last couple hours until I inevitably pass out on Jasper. I just hope I don't keep him up all night with my emo bullshit. ugh. Definitely going to cuddle Butterscotch as much as I can tonight until she protests. It's a strange feeling, I'm just grateful I don't have to feel it alone anymore. That does make it easier to bear. Plus, the lack of sleep last night will hopefully make it easier for me to catch some sleep tonight. For now, it's uzvar time again so I'm going to go enjoy that & read/draw before bed.